Hillside Welcomes the Apocalypse

One Year Until The End of the World

In 2012, there were three notable apocalyptic predictions (not including the religious newsletters forwarded to you by zealous family members), the most famous of which laid out a timeline of the world’s demise at the end of the 13th b’ak’tun by an asteroid, alien invasion or supernova on December 21. Another guy, José Luis de Jesús, envisioned the world’s governments and economies collapsing on June 30 of that year, coinciding with the transformation of each member of his religious order, allowing them to fly and walk through walls. And then, there was poor Ronald Weinland who, when his end-of-the-world prediction for September 29, 2011, failed to come true, revised the date to May 27, 2012.

There were an awful lot of predictions before 2012, of course. And, there have been a string of other predictions since then, the most recent of which was for April 23 of this year by David Meade, whose earlier predictions of September 23 and October 15, 2017, didn’t pan out.

But, just because every single apocalyptic prediction to date has turned out to be wrong, that doesn’t mean the next one won’t be the big one. Each day seems to confirm the tin-hat proclamations of the end of the eff’n world. Cataclysmic storms. Devastating floods over here, and raging fires over there. Record-breaking earthquakes. Nuclear standoffs. Terrorist strikes. Deaths of every celebrity you’ve ever loved. Trump.

So, the third time might be a charm for Ronald Weinland, who now says that the world will end on the evening of June 8, 2019, when Jesus the Christ will come sauntering back to earth.

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The end is nigh!

Since this could be our last year on earth, these are the things everyone should definitely do while we can. This could be the best year of your miserable life.

  • Drink – Let’s face it, you’re not going to want to greet the four horsemen of the apocalypse sober. Harbingers of the Last Judgement are less fun than your uncle on Thanksgiving. Besides, if you’re going to get judged anyway (Jesus saw how you’ve been defiling yourself), you might as well spend your last year getting lit. If you need help, we’re here for you.
  • Make Out – Seriously, if you get a chance to make out, you should make out. Make out like a teenager. Whether you prefer that gentle pressing of lips or the sloppy, open-faced game of tongue-of-war, you go make out at every opportunity. You won’t regret it, probably, unless you get herpes.

  • Call Your Mom – You always thought you had more time to call your mother and hear about how her neighbors don’t put out their trash cans correctly, how it’s your job to give her (more) grandchildren, and how you just don’t call enough. Welp, time may be running out. Set aside a few minutes on her birthday or something, grab a drink, and dial her number. Tell her about how much you’ve been making out.

Hillside welcomes the Apocalypse
  • Drink More – By now, you’re probably a bit parched, and you deserve a little reward. Head to your local watering hole, and order up the adult beverage of your choice. Maybe even try something new! You earned a moment of respite while facing your impending doom.

  • Walk Barefoot in the Grass – There is nothing so grounding, calming, and comforting as feeling the green grass between your toes. Find some green space, take your shoes off and let your soul be reconnected to the universe. Then, go wash your filthy feet, because someone peed there.

  • Talk to Strangers – Sure, you already have a stable of tolerable people in your life, but why not add a few more? That person sitting next to you at the bar may be a creep, a Nobel Prize laureate, or both. You won’t know until you introduce yourself and listen to their story. That stranger may turn out to be your new bestie, significant other, or arch nemesis. So, sidle up to the bar, turn to the person to your left or right, and say hello, dammit!

Hillside welcomes the Apocalypse
  • Drink Even More – Hoo-boy! Judgment Day may be just around the corner, but what’s to worry about? Afterall, it is written: “Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.” —Ecclesiastes 9:7. Shots all around! Cheers!

  • Play – Remember when your mom would tell you to “go play,” which meant to get out of the house and not come home until dark? Keep doing this. Play a game, play a song, roleplay, cosplay, whatever you want. But, play a little every day. Preferably with booze.

  • Laugh – Laughter is the best medicine, so don’t worry if you don’t have a healthcare plan. Just trade jokes and funny stories every day with people at the bar, and you’ll live long enough to die next to your friends at Hillside during the apocalypse.

Home Base at Hillside

Spend your last year on earth with your friends at Hillside Bar. Conveniently, we’re open every day from 2pm to 2am, rain, shine, or Armageddon. We’re in this together.

“Drink and dance and laugh and lie,
Love, the reeling midnight through,
For tomorrrow we shall die!
(But, alas, we never do.)”

DOROTHY PARKER, WISECRACKING POET
Dorothy Parker
2018-06-09T16:22:12+00:00 June 9th, 2018|