GALILEA — Coming off of a reportedly successful speech in the hills outside of Galilea that Jesus Horatio Christ’s media surrogates are billing as “The Beatitudes,” Jesus hopes to build on that momentum today as he speaks in front of another local gathering in a pub.
“Can you believe that crowd size?” Jesus said to his team, according to an anonymous source, “People are saying it was multitudes! ”
It wasn’t immediately clear how many people attended Jesus’s sermon on the mount, but various sketches provided by a number of attendees show large swaths of empty space among what appears to be a fidgety and distracted crowd.
Looking to shore up support among the working class, who have expressed extreme discontent with Roman taxation, Jesus is expected to focus on humanizing themes that unite and mobilize his base, including popular billiard games and prodigious alcohol consumption.
According to an advanced copy of today’s speech provided to the press corps by Team Jesus, the speech will mimic the style of his recent “Beatitudes” speech. The document, titled “Pool Attitudes,” discusses human ideals in the context of billiards. From the speech:
Blessed are the pool players: for theirs is the entire billiard area in the pub.
Blessed are those who massé: for they will greatly impress others.
Blessed are the weak: for pool is the only sport they can play.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for beer: for they will be filled.
Blessed are those with good sportsmanship: for they will be more popular.
Blessed are the pure in form: for they will sink more balls, probably.
Blessed are the shot makers: for they will get to take more shots.
Blessed are those who write their name on the chalkboard: for they will not be skipped when it’s their turn.
Blessed are you when others give you stupid nicknames like “Champ” or “Shark” or “Dead-Eye” or “Sparky.” Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is that they will remember you and invite you to play pool again.
Jesus is also expected to call for pool to be free of charge on Sundays, as he moves to make that day recognized nationally as a “day of rest.”
The message is expected to resonate among patrons of bars around the world. Hillside Bar in Seattle, Washington, for example, already offers free pool every Sunday, and $1 off drafts, wells, cans, bottles, and wine during happy hour from 4pm to 6pm.