SEATTLE, Washington — In a shocking report released on Friday, data confirms that friendships are at the highest risk of dissolving when one or more people in the relationship fail to appear during happy hour. After controlling for causes of absenteeism such as pregnancy, hospitalization, and abduction, friendships were 21% more likely to end than if one friend always avoids being the one to call a Lyft or Uber.
Likelihood of friendhip dissolution by cause
Misses happy hour
Never calls the Lyft/Uber
Lets me buy rounds, but never buys next round
Starts a text but doesn’t finish them, leaving hanging dots
Always takes home the remaining food/beverage they brought to a party
Slept with my boyfriend/girlfriend
“That bitch thinks she has better things to do, like she’s better’n us? She owed me a Fireball from last night. She cray,” said one respondent whose answer was a complicated mix of several survey options.
The frequency of missed happy hours doesn’t appear to have a statistically significant effect on the likelihood of a friendship ending. One or two absences from happy hour are nearly as likely to result in the dissolution of a friendship as missing ten or more.
Friendships dissolved by frequency of happy hour absence
“My buddy—scratch that, ex-buddy—didn’t show up for happy hour today. It’s a huge dis, man. I could understand when he slept with my girlfriend while I was at work last month, because at least he showed up at the bar by 5:00 that afternoon, but this? This time he’s gone too far. Our friendship is over, man,” said another participant in the study, visibly blinking away tears. The two men had been friends since grade school.
Experts advise to take precaution.
When presented with the data, experts advised the public to take precaution. Interpersonal relationships are increasingly hard to form in a world where digital communication (e.g. text, social media, Tinder) is steadily replacing face-to-face conversations, these relationships being integral to health and well-being. To preserve these friendships, an array of professionals across a variety of disciplines have responded to the study by emphasizing the importance of attending happy hour daily.
“I think the evidence is clear,” said Sarah Schuettpelz, the Shoe Department Lead at a Seattle department store, “I should be heading to happy hour every day directly after work, or Lisa’s gonna be pissed.”
“The science is in,” concurred Melvin Derpy, a Team Supervisor at a local tech startup, “I gotta meet Roger for happy hour if I want to keep using his Netflix account.”
Local pubs take immediate action
In the wake of this startling new study, local pubs have come forward to remind the public that they have long offered the solution to this serious problem. For example, Hillisde Bar on Seattle’s Capitol Hill has always offered happy hour from 4pm to 6pm daily, with $1 off drafts, wells, cans, bottles, wine.
“We take our responsibility seriously,” said Alexis, co-owner of Hillside Bar, “As someone who—above all—values the happiness of people all around me, I’m proud to provide this important service to our community. Helping friends stay friends has always been my top priority, and our daily happy hour is definitely the most effective tool we have to keep those relationships strong.”
“What the hell, Danielle, why you gotta ring that bell? It’s a dis when you miss, you priss, and I insist that you listen to me bitch, ’cause happy hour’s the shit. Meet me at 4, or I’ll show you the door. MC Madeline out.”